WHAT FEELING IS NOT...

DODGY WORD OF THE MONTH - unsafe

There is a hiding in that word as it says what a person does NOT feel. It is OK for beginners but I expect a greater level of discernment with more mature minds. Yet many people habitually use it even when they have trained themselves in NVC and other forms of direct emotional expression.

The power of it amazes me. It is one of the great hiding words of all time
It implies that there is something outside of myself that is to blame. It is a very subtle victim word. The love of this word takes a person out of their own authority.

I feel afraid, anxious, tearful..all these tell me something but "unsafe" gets me looking around for a cause, a perpetrator.

Over the years I have asked folk on many an occasion both as a facilitator and just in conversation, "This is what you DONT feel, what do you actually feel?"

It isn’t the first negative emotional word that has begun to get traction in the popular imagination. I noticed that ‘uncomfortable” was being used more frequently along with the phrase, ‘I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

However, what really got me going a couple of years ago was an incident where a woman was in a workshop (I was participant) and she had an issue with another person.

She kept saying, “I don’t feel safe.” So naturally I asked her what she actually DID feel.
She replied (direct quote), “I don’t feel supported, I don’t feel heard, I don’t feel respected.”
Again I pointed out that these were things which she did not feel and inquired after her true feeling.
She said (getting heated), “I feel unsupported, unheard, uncomfortable!”
And as I suggested that “un” means “not” she realized what she was doing and cried, ”I FEEL ANGRY..!”

Aaaahhh...something we can work with…

This was extraordinary enough but what totally stunned me was that she was a practicing psychologist who gave supervision to other psychologists. What the fuck was going on here? This seems to go against a primary principal of counseling, “Discover the underlying feelings”.

Language is one of our most powerful tools. The words we choose don’t just communicate thought - they help shape how we perceive each other and frame relationships, and often conceal deeper meanings. Certain negative words, especially those related to emotions, can be particularly deceptive. They seem to express feelings but actually disguise moral judgments.

Words like "unsafe," "unseen," and "unheard" are not just expressions of what is absent; they carry the unspoken weight of what should be present. They appear to describe feelings but imply that someone, whether a person, institution, or situation, is at fault for failing to meet unspoken needs.

Have a look at "unsafe"; a word that is often used in emotional conversations and has become very common in therapeutic environments. Not so long ago I was in a men’s workshop and a guy who had been doing men’s work for 15 years kept saying about his wife, “I just don’t feel safe!”. I lost patience eventually and said, “So what? Open up anyway!”

And this is part of the reason for my writing this. The notion that there are different ways of expressing as we mature – not just in age but in our inner work. This increasing use of hidden morality has gotten to me. I even found myself saying a while back, “I don’t feel heard.” It jarred with me and when I investigated internally I saw the blaming I had – shit.

I have resolved to say things like, “I am not being heard here”. Making it a statement of my own analysis of the situation rather than an illusion of feeling which disguises a morality.

I think it is very important with any beginning level of inner work to allow a person to simply express how it is in their own words. So, “I don’t feel safe” has meaning and simply needs to be expressed however they can. Yet as maturity comes in the emotional line of development, it is important to learn to be open even if we do not seem to be safe. I would think that a fully matured person would have the capacity to open even when they knew the situation was dangerous.

The real issue with "unsafe" is that it says what the speaker does not feel, leaving a gap in emotional clarity. Instead of identifying emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness, "unsafe" redirects the attention outward, as if the root of the unease lies outside them. The underlying message becomes, "Something out there is responsible for how I feel."

This externalization of feeling creates a victim narrative. This is not to say that unsafe conditions never exist in reality. However, using the word in this way obscures the speaker’s own emotions, encouraging them to look for a perpetrator rather than exploring what they actually feel inside. In essence, "unsafe" introduces an implicit morality: "Someone should have made me safe, and because I’m not, they are to blame."

Other words such as "unseen" or "unheard" follow a similar pattern. When I say "I feel unseen", it does not describe a specific emotional state but implies an expectation: "I should be noticed." Similarly, "unheard" suggests that someone should have listened. These words subtly shift responsibility away from the speaker’s personal experience and onto someone else—an expectation unfulfilled or a care left unexpressed.

While I think its natural for people to seek connection and recognition, using words like "unseen" and "unheard" hinder self-awareness as well as clear communication. Instead of expressing actual emotions such as loneliness, sadness, or frustration, the speaker remains trapped in a passive stance, waiting for others to change their behaviour to fulfil unspoken needs.

While the authority of the animal in us is largely determined by the awareness of and use of the life force (chi, prana), language is the major social mechanism which shapes a major part of our personal authority. There is no way I can come into my own authority by using words to hide behind victimhood. This serves only those who benefit from playing in the shadows of the social dreamwork.

These ways of expressing are clear barriers to growing up!

The frequent use of these "hiding words" undermines my inner authority. When I describe my experience using moralized language, I relinquish control over my emotional life. Using words like "unsafe," "uncomfortable," and "unappreciated" as though they are emotions, suggests that emotional fulfilment is dependent on external factors. This not only promotes dependency but also disempowers me from recognizing my own capacity to respond differently or to reframe my experience.

By contrast, clearer language—such as "I feel anxious" or "I feel lonely"—invites personal ownership. It shifts the focus inward, helping me to better understand my emotional landscape and make intentional choices about how to address my needs. In turn the listener is more likely to reply with compassion through an understanding of the actual feelings expressed.

Replacing "hiding words" with more precise emotional expressions restores personal authority by emphasizing internal awareness over external blame.

This indirect expression of emotion takes a serious psychological toll:

There is a loss of personal authority. By framing experience in terms of what others aren't providing, I surrender my autonomy. It deflects responsibility by focusing on what's lacking externally rather than what's present internally.

The lack of emotional clarity blurs the distinction between my actual feelings and my moral judgments about situations.

The relationship impact of implicit blame in these expressions can create defensive responses in others, hampering genuine communication.

I can position myself as a recipient of negative action rather than active participation in my emotional experience.

It puts a hard brake on emotional literacy.

To help reclaim emotional authenticity, I practice replacing these negative constructions with direct expressions:

Instead of “I feel unsafe” I use afraid, anxious or worried.

Or instead of “I feel unappreciated” I use sad, lonely, or a phrase like “yearning for recognition”.

Instead of “disrespected” - angry or frustrated

“Uncomfortable” - awkward or nervous

“Unseen” - lonely, isolated, craving connection

“Unheard” - frustrated, desperate, longing to connect...

There’s a saying of Confucius that I like and use a lot.

“The beginning of wisdom is in calling a thing by its proper name.”

When I name my actual feelings rather than negative abstractions, several things happen:

1. I take ownership of my emotional experience

2. I become clearer about what I’m actually feeling

3. I open the door to more productive dialogue

4. I reduce any implicit blame in communication

This not only builds my self-awareness and brings me into my own authority but also fosters healthier relationships by reducing misunderstandings rooted in unspoken moral judgments.

Facilitators of inner work used to challenge folk to move beyond words like "unsafe" by probing deeper. Has this simple intelligence vanished under a love of moral violence?

Being real with each other seems to be becoming a revolutionary act!

I think that in a modern world where language shapes much of what people perceive as reality, being intentional with words is a mark of a mature human being...

Painting: Unconscious of Danger

Artist: Seymour Joseph Guy